Love as an act of regression
I can be an intensely private person. Of this I am aware. I like to think we all have parts of ourselves that we share only with those we think are worthy. And this is hardly a private forum. But things change and I am willing to show myself in hopes that it will be in some way cathartic and in hopes that perhaps others will do the same. After all no one is an island despite what we like to believe.
Falling in love is like falling backwards. When you are in love things do not appear as the truly are. They seem warm and calm and beautiful when they most certainly are not. When you are alone you can see the world how it really is empty and cold and lonely. Love is just an escape. It’s Prozac in the form of a person. It lies to you. Makes you feel wondrous and calm and sure the world is perfect and life will be wonderful after all. And then, without warning, it ends and that veil too lifts and you see people how they really are. Desperate, selfish, cold. But at least in this place you see life how it really is.
I’m not always so jaded but what a comforting place this can be at times.
Things have changed. I have glimpsed heights only to find their edge and come hurdling back towards reality. I fell in love. And that was my first mistake. I always try to be as open as possible. Especially with the ones I say I love. When I am with someone I am an open book, but only if they are open too. And this time I couldn’t find that key. I feel I have been accused. I have been shown in a less than positive light. We all have our demons but I feel I need to share so things can be seen from a different perspective. I did the things I did for a reason. It wasn’t impulsive though I admit I can sometimes be called this. It came after a long period of deep internal thought on the nature of love and what I need from it.
Have I said hurtful things? Of course I have. Have I burned you deeply? I can see that I have but it was only to draw you out. By calling you out when you were wrong. Believe me I have no illusion of thinking that I was always right in how I have acted. There are things I regret and you were patient with me when I was wrong. But I was always honest. I always told you what I felt even if I didn’t understand it. And, when you read things that weren’t meant for your eyes without asking what did you expect to find, but a striped down version of what I have told you without any caution to avoid causing pain. But this is not to say that what was said was unfair or untrue. My account of how things happened is truly how it seemed from my perspective. Perhaps you see it another way. I can’t blame you. We are very different people and naturally we will cast that scene in different colors. I am however sorry to have hurt you. You are an amazing person. One who has a great capacity for love and a wonderful need to do all you can to make someone happy. But we can’t change who we are. And I need someone who I can see inside. That’s all I’m going to say to you. I have said all the rest before. And if you don’t understand me then I can do no more to make you.
I don’t pretend to understand it. Love is an illusive and confusing destination, but we can do no more then bow to it. For what is life without love? What is anything if it does not love or is not loved? We will do anything to find love. For in love we feel less alone. And that is the true reason we seek it out. We seek out what we find in ourselves. We want to know that someone else understands us. Someone feels just the way we do. And we can commiserate in that knowledge that we are not alone. But no one will fill a void you cannot fill yourself. So often we convince ourselves that we simply need to find in someone else what we ourselves lack. And we will in that become whole and life will suddenly make sense. But that’s not real. No one is perfect. No one can be all the things that you lack. You have to be whole in yourself. Love is not the merging of two but the coming together of two separate people who are fully capable of being on their own but choose to be together. Life is hard. Life is painful. If you are looking to find calm waters and sunny skies do not seek love for those blue skies are simply in waiting of the night. In waiting of the storm that will test it. That which will show you things are not always how they seem but that there is a dark lining to every cloud right along with its silver one.
In moments like these, when we are at an end of one life, and cautiously approaching another, it is so very easy to say Id rather be alone. Things make more sense. Living life is more comfortable when there are no walls to scale. It is the heart that makes life hard. But thinking clearly I know that Id rather find myself in the deepest depressions for it is by them that we come out a better person. Someone who is capable of even more love then we had before. You can reach heights you never imagined but it is its depths you must first walk. That’s just its nature. And why live at all if we can’t love? I try and use the most painful of times to learn. Lets not make the same mistakes over and over. Lets all move forward toward that perfect utopia that we all realize can never really be reached but do our best to strive toward it anyway.
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